The Bachelor Episode 8: Focker Meets the Parents

Nikki Pablo.

We land in Kansas City, where Nikki grew up high lighting her perfect hair. She, said hair and her infinity scarf give an "I'm obsessed with Juan" monologue to the camera before he arrives. Then he arrives. We end up at a food place that Nikki described as "Gas Station" BBQ. Very charming.

They eat. Juan says he loves BBQ. He is quite enthusiastic. I haven't seen him this enthusiastic since he saw Kat dance in Seoul. The man likes BBQ and dancing chicas.

Then Juan rides the mechanical bull. They drink beer. Nikki says it's hot watching Juan ride a bull. Seriously, ABC, did we need to extend this into two episodes???????????

Oh Lord, now Nikki is telling the camera she thinks she's in love with Juan.

Then she and Juan ride the bull together. close up on Juan's hand on her stomach.

Juan & Nikki, riding in the wind, against all odds, no fears, just bliss, beer and BBQ

Time to meet the family. During dinner, Nikki and her mom sneak off to talk men. The first thing Nikki's mom brings up is "mental attraction." MOTHERS ALWAYS KNOW BEST. Nikki tells her mom she's in love but hasn't told him.

So let's recap the last 10 seconds.

Nikki's mom said, "Nikki, Juan is a dumb ass and I don't get what you see in him."

Nikki said, "But like mom, he iz like seeeww kewt n sweet n omgz his abs! Eye iz in luv with Juan."

Now Juan is sitting down with Nikki's dad. Her dad talks with a southern accent if you ask me. Juan tells her dad that he and Nikki are on the same page. Whatever that is supposed to mean.

Now Nikki is sitting down with her dad. She says she's comfortable around Juan. Congratulations, Nikki. I'm comfortable around sandwiches.

Both of Nikki's parents have told her they support her decision to marry whatever man she chooses, even if he is boring.

She and Juan kiss outside their front door. #HighSchool.

She has the chance to tell him she loves him. She doesn't. WELL GOOD. WAIT FOR HIM TO TELL YOU FIRST.

me watching Nikki on the verge of saying, "I love you" first.

Andi Pablo.

Atlanta. It looks like Andi has lightened her ombre. She needs to just dye her hair all dark because now I'm over it.

Keeping it cliche, they meet in a park. Before Andi takes Juan into a gun store, in an effort to make him nervous. She tries to be really cute and funny by saying the exact few lines verbatim:

"Are you ready? Are you nervous? Are you scared? Are you ready? Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you ready? Are you sure you're ready? Do you think you can handle it? Are you sure you can handle it? Are you ready? Are you ready to handle it? Are you sure you're scared you're ready to think you can handle it?"

Both Juan and I wanted to punch her in the face with a rose.

"I am salivating at making him a little uncomfortable." THEN PUT HIM IN A 5TH GRADE SPELLING BEE OR SOMETHING.

He shoots the gun and doesn't score. He misses many times. I can't blame him. The man barely ate BBQ for the first time yesterday, there is no way he is about to shoot a gun like a bad ass.

He hits the target and recaps the day: "I felt like OH MY GOSH."

They get to her house, where a sign that says "Pookie" greets them both. That's embarrassing. Juan has flowers in hand. Good strategy.

"I'm sill waiting to fall in love. I feel like I'm so close." -Andi

I mean, that's not how love works, but okay.

They all sit around the couch talking, Andi with her arm looped through Juan's, which I find to be aggressive and disturbing. Andi's dad awkwardly calls out how Juan waited a really long time to take Andi on a one on one date. HA.

Andi's daddy.

He does not like Juan.

I like Andi's dad. He says, "She's an attractive girl, he's an attractive guy... with three other girls." AMEN, DENIRO!!!!

Later in the night, Andi's mom, Patti, asks Juan what he likes about Andi.

THIS IS A SIMPLE QUESTION. I MEAN, MAKE SOMETHING UP IF YOU HAVE TO.
Juan makes the cardinal sin of saying "Well first of all, she's beautiful."

NEVER MAKE HER LOOKS YOUR NUMBER ONE INTEREST IN HER. ESPECIALLY WHEN TALKING TO HER FAMILY. THIS ISN'T A MEN'S LOCKER ROOM, JUAN.

Then in an painful turn of events, Andi and Juan start dancing in front of Patti. Whyy??? why??? i'm in pain i'm in pain why why why

Andi tells the camera that she and Juan are at their best "when they're just having fun."

OKAY Andi, I'm sorry, but THIS IS THE REAL WORLD.

I'M NOT DR. PHIL, BUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS DOOMED IF YOU RELY ON FUN FOR IT TO WORK.

Robert Di Niro sits with Juan. He asks the hard hitting question of "Why do a reality show to find love?" Juan's answer was weird. Then dad turns it around, asking Juan if he has any questions. Juan wants to know if his family would accept him and his daughter.

His answer was perfect:

"Reverse role for a moment. You're dating 3 women. When and if you pick my daughter, then I'll answer that."

NOW JUAT, JUAN?? JUATCHA GONNA SAY TO THAT, SON????????????

Andi talks to her sister. I feel like I'm watching Shahs of Sunset. Andi isn't in love, but says she's almost in love whatever that means. ANDI'S SISTER DOES NOT LIKE JUAN. Now Andi is crying to the camera.

WELL WHAT DID YOU EXPECT, ANDI!?!?!?!?!? YOU DON'T EVEN LOVE HIM, HOW COULD YOUR HERMANA.

Andi and her dad have a confide-sesh. Her dad emphasizes he doesn't want her to get hurt. Andi keeps having to stick up for Juan and it looks highly exhausting. She says she is willing to risk getting hurt for Juan, which also looks highly exhausting.

Andi keeps repeating, "I am very close to being in love with him." As if she's trying to convince herself.

Despite all the obvious red flags from her family, Andi is happy at the end of the night and insists she is falling in love. SLAP ME AND CALL ME STEVIE WONDER BECAUSE THIS GIRL IS BLIND. SHE IS BLIND.

Andi's dad & Juan bonding before he leaves.

Rennee Pablo.

Florida. Rennee and Juan are picnicking when a little boy runs up out of nowhere. We realize it's Rennee's son when she spots him and loses her shit. She tells the camera she's never gone this long without seeing him. Is this really the first time they're seeing each other since she's been in Florida???? Rennee cries.

Juan and her son start communicating. Juan finally found someone on his level.

Rennee says she feels natural with Juan.

YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A NATURRRALLLL JUAAMAN~~~!~!~!~

What's going on with all these Juan Pablo endorsing commercials? This Need For Speed movie??? I can't even deal.

Back at the house, Juan sits with Rennee's fam while she tucks her son in bed. She tells him a bunch of gushy things that make me sad she's been wasting time with Juan Pablo and 18 sister wives when she could have hung out with this cool little nugget son this whole time.

Brenda, Rennee's mom, sits with Rennee, wine in hand. Rennee tells her mom she's in love barf.

Rennee sits with her dad. He says he can tell that Juan is a good guy. He says Rennee "is glowing." WELL, I HOPE NOT, THEY BOTH ALREADY HAVE CHILDREN.

Rennee gushes to the camera about wanting to marry Juan. I just really don't see her winning, so this is a tad painful.

When Rennee had the chance to tell Juan she loved him, she couldn't do it.

NOW I'M NOT A DATA ANALYST, BUT I AM SENSING A PATTERN...........

All of these girls say they are in love with him yet none of these girls are able to tell him. are they actually in love with him????????????? could it be they DON'T LOVE HIM  BUT THINK THEY LOVE HIM OR THINK THEY THEY THINK THEY COULD AFTER THINKING ABOUT IT LONG ENOUGH??????

Clare Pablo.

"This is the first time I've brought a guy home since my dad has passed away." -Clare. um wait wut??? ouch woah, wasn't expecting that bomb to drop. that was sad :(

Clare tells the story about one of her and her dad's last conversations. They had their father/daughter dance right then and there to the song of her choice. holy ef :((((( Juan and I are teary and I am seeing Clare in a softer light. She explains that where she took Juan is the place she goes when she misses her dad.

america listening to clare

There is no coming back from that. Now it's time to go to the house. Flowers in hand, Juan approaches like a high schooler to an A.C.T. exam.

Clare is ONE OF SIX DAUGHTERS. WOW. Considering Clare's family, loss, and upbringing, she did not turn out how I would have expected.

Now it's time for awkward dinner table chat.

Clare's family asks why she and Juan went in the ocean at 4 am. somehow nothing awkward is said or happens...............................

Clare and her sister, who has been married over 20 years, talk privately. She looks nothing like her sister. Or any of her sisters. Or her mom. is she adopted??? is this just an extreme recessive gene??? what is happening?

Like Andi's parents, Clare's parents met, dated a tiny amount of time, then got engaged and quickly married.

sigh.

One of the other 28 sisters and mom is now interrogating Juan. OH WAIT HOLD UP THAT IS NOT THE MOM, THAT IS ANOTHER SISTER. I'm so confused. I feel like Clare has 89 moms and no sisters.

Then two other old women sit with Clare. Okay, it's a different sister and the mom, it's official. The sister does not want to give Juan her blessing to get married. The sister's name is Laura. The sister is kind of a bitch. The mom is not talking for some reason. Clare is really hot and bothered.

Now Laura is accusing Clare of manipulating her mom??????????? what?????? Why isn't the mom talking???? Who's manipulating who???? Laura be cray??? What is Laura's deal????????? Laura is weird. I need Laura to exit the building.

What is going wrong in my life that I'm sitting on the couch blogging and sticking up for Clare.

Two seconds later, Clare goes to another sister and complains about Laura. I CANNOT EVEN FATHOM HAVING THAT MANY SISTERS IN ONE FAMILY. drama. This sister is much nicer. They keep saying "MaMa" or "MoMa" and it's getting weird. Like why don't you just say mom???

Now Laura is with Juan and MoMa, Clare sees, gets pissed, pulls Juan away, things are weird, Juan doesn't like it.

WOAH WOAH NOW JUAN IS SPEAKING TONGUES WITH THE MOM THEN THEY SWITCH BACK TO ENGLISH AND I FEEL LIKE I'M IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE WHY CAN'T CLARE SPEAK SPANISH IF THE MOM CAN WHY IS ABC DOING THIS TO ME I CAN'T BREATHE WHERE AM I

Juan and the mom really hit it off. Juan just connected more to Clare's mom more than he did with half the women on the show. I kind of want him to propose to Clare's mom at the end of the show.

Clare is being very vocal about how much she would love to marry Juan. Clare is going to be on TLC's snapped if he doesn't propose.

Ceremony Pablo.

Clare enters in a tight pink dress. Nikki enters in a tight white and black dress with a fish tail braid.

The makers of Body Con are clearly sponsoring tonight's questionably dressed episode.

Andi walks in wearing a one shoulder black dress. Rennee wears a green whispy dress. Chris has to walk each girl to the rose ceremony, seemingly a trail that begins in Canada and ends in L.A.

Johnny Cash Pablo, in all black, walks into the ceremony. I have a feeling he is going to send Rennee home.

First rose goes to Nikki.

Clare gets #2.

Chris comes out and announces the final rose WE CAN COUNT CHRIST, SHUT UP AND LET JUAN CONCENTRATE.

Andi gets the last rose.

Pablo drops bomb on Renee

I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT. how sad. :( Rennee is great! This is sad. Juan IMMEDIATELY starts tearing up. Rennee hugs the other girls. She and Juan walk/hug on their way out OH WAIT THEY'RE SITTING ON A BENCH and Renne says she's never felt this way about anyone.

She admits to Juan she fell in love. Juan inhales and exhales sharply. Juan is such a sensitive guy! More sensitive than I will ever be probably.

He told her he respects her and she leaves.

Rennee was very mature about it on the way home in the limo. She says, "You can't force it." No ya can't, honey. Spot on.

"There aren't a lot of guys like Juan. They're as good as they come."

Not spot on.

She goes in to detail about how there are good men out there and how she wants to make someone happy. I feel like men all over the nation are going to try to get in touch with her. Someone out there will see this, or meet her, and they're gonna love her.

Or she'll just die alone.

{images: http://imgur.com/gallery/Engg2, http://buzzworthy.mtv.com/2013/12/17/john-mayer-katy-perry-who-you-love-video-bound-2-comparison-gifs/, https://www.facebook.com/CrossFitFiveFlags, http://juicejusticeandcorgis.com/category/justice/, http://intothegloss.com/2013/03/mtv-the-real-world-the-all-time-craziest-moments-from-when-it-was-good/, http://andonehead-canneverdie.tumblr.com,http://69.89.31.136/~thefair8/home/2014/01/02/girl-talk}